rosegoldmistress

I was just thinking earlier about how I've had this blog set up for a couple of weeks now and had nothing substantial to post about since I consider this an anonymous vent blog for myself just to get shit off my chest. So I guess it's good that I haven't had a lot to say, but now I do and it is completely stupid, insignificant, but whatever I'm going to post about it anyway because it is small but contributes to a larger problem in my life. I don't even know why I'm justifying my own post on my own damn blog, but anyway.

I have a small crush on someone who works at a local store and all my friends and a family member are acquainted with him in one way or another, it's interesting. I've been straight up flirting with him for months now, no exaggeration, and yeah it's small and insignificant flirting but I have been caught up in a different person for the past four years and I feel as if I am just now getting over them (even though it was on and off again thing and I even dated and slept with other people in the midst of it, that is besides the point...) so flirting with this person feels like a big deal to me. Mainly because I rarely find a guy who I find both attractive and mentally up to my standards, and he fits the bill. Now, I would call myself a fairly confident person for being plus sized in a pretty much skinny girl driven world, where it's already hard enough for women to make a good name for themselves to begin with, regardless of size. In the past, I never let this get in the way of who or what I wanted, and a lot of the time I got it, especially when it came to other women- I don't know why, but it's easy for me to get with women (now I sound like a man) and it would be easy for me to get with men, but again, I need more than a pretty face when it comes to men. I actually don't even need a pretty face, just be smart, at least.

Since my Ex, my confidence and desire to really chase another man has become slim. He really fucked me up in that cliche early 20s finding out about true love and then having it squashed kind of way. I'll never be over him, and I have accepted that. I don't dwell like I used to, and I can even appreciate the happier times between us now, so that's a start. But this other guy, I have grown attached to the idea of happiness with a man again (and maybe that's the issue) but I do really enjoy talking with him and today, finally I make some more progress. My cousin is having a party and wants to invite him, which I think is great and I'm excited about finally seeing him out of his normal work element. Long story short, I get somewhere further and actually go outside and have a smoke break with him, I'm smoking cigarettes for this man, okay. My cousin invites him but uses another girl he is inviting as a selling point to try to get him to come. Here is the problem.

I see all my months of hard work spiraling down the drain as he says the words. I say nothing and play it off cool smoking my cigarette and immediately texting my best friend telling him what just went down. Other Guy is like, well if she's a good friend that isn't a good idea, you don't want me to do that. I think he was trying to imply that he either fucks up girls lives or maybe he doesn't want the drama, I don't know. And he goes on to say he has no off switch when it comes to drinking, fine whatever. But in that moment of my cousin offering up girl prospects to him I just see it all crumble. Sure, I'm pretty confident, yeah I'm fat, but so? I'm pretty enough, I'm good in bed, I'm laid back and both men and women have always liked that about me. In my head I'm nowhere near as chill as my exterior, obviously. And I rarely let myself really show my full blown emotions. Sure, it's just some guy, maybe he will talk to some other girl, it's simple almost college/high school shit, but it hits deeper than that. I saw something in my grasp only now to once again probably have it taken away. I can get sex like flipping a coin, it's a relationship I want again, and I can never seem to really get it. I'm a Cancer, I want stability. I play that hoe game all the time and love it, mostly, until I think about making cookies on a Sunday with my regular and dependable lover and wish I had something like that.

I can't help but think, well, if this other girl is skinny and attractive, I might as well not show my face at this party or this store ever again. It isn't her fault, but I did think my cousin knew about my interest in this guy, apparently he didn't, and when we were back in the car I told him and he was like oh man I won't flaunt anymore women at him then and I'm like it's not like anything would happen anyway, again, playing things off, not showing my true emotions. I live my life by this book, and by tomorrow I might be over this whole thing. Buy some shit on Amazon, forget about it. But I feel like every time I do that I create this exact problem, where it all piles on and I get upset because its just snowballing over years of time. I haven't talked enough about my Ex and the shit we went through and the love I felt/feel for him, I don't want to bother anyone or make them feel like they don't have anything to say.

It's hard being a woman, I'm not saying guys don't have some of these thoughts, but it's ruthless out there for us. I keep telling myself if he did go for the other girl at the party, then I would know maybe I shouldn't waste my time anyway, he was never going to be something I needed in my life. Maybe I'm just trying to justify myself by having literally anyone want me, anyone, say that they want to keep me around instead of disposing of me in cycles like my Ex did, honestly two of them did that but I'm focusing on the male one at the moment. I've never felt truly wanted, my parents both ditched me in their own ways, and I try not to think of that because that is something else entirely. Friends have walked out on me, lovers, boyfriends, girlfriends, everyone. So every time I get attached and it's ripped out from under me it just opens up old wounds and I'm back to where I started. A process years in the making, and here it is again, even in the tiniest of ways.